Saturday, October 11, 2014

Self care is not a bad word

Five years of learning to do self-care and one week of graduate studies and I forget every lesson I have learned.
I didn't eat this week. The level of reading requirements are crazy high, and the pace just as high. Everytime I though I would just finish one more thing...I went way past that one thing and never ate. After weight loss surgery, you must get a high protein diet. You can only fit approximately 1/2 cup of food in your stomach, but you must have a minimum of 60g of protein daily. Skipping even one meal can make that goal nearly impossible. Not eating until dinner time is far worse. Not drinking the water bottle sitting at arms reach is even worse.I also did not stop to exercise this week. Lack of movement causes arthritic joints to get stiff. Add to that the issue that Psoriatic arthritis is highly sensitive to stress. I feel like an 80 year old woman today, just one week into the next three years of my life.So, I am working to develop better plans for better attention to self care. Not only did my arthritis flare badly in the night, but my vision is blurry now. I cannot possibly read the long list of reading requirements if I cannot see from blurry vision. So, by failing to practice self-care, I have sabotaged my study efforts, and created more stress for myself.So in addition to focusing on the mandatory work I must finish before I can call it quits for this weekend, I am working to develop some better routines that will fit into graduate studies but will also put self-care back as a high priority. I am buying protein powder. If I need to rely upon drinking a protein shake instead of eating lunch for awhile, at least it contains both calories and protein to keep me functioning. I will exercise at least three days per week, without negotiations. I will shower and dress and not study in my PJs simply because I *can*.There is more that I need to work on, but these basic steps are where I need to focus. If I don't practice self-care, I will not be able to stay healthy and functioning and I won't be able to finish this journey before me. I have cost myself and my family more in the total shut down I am experiencing today than I would have cost to practice self-care every day and prevent myself from being here.









Saturday, September 20, 2014

Living with mental illness

There's more than one child in this household living with mental illness struggles. However, for most of this year, there's one child who has struggled, who has not done well, who has at times held the household hostage with the struggles they have faced. I'm not going to name which child, that's not the point of what I'm writing. I don't even feel comfortable posting details of those struggles because while I'm fine with putting my information out there, I am not okay with putting all of their information, not even anonymously.

Since moving back south, one particular child has caused me to lose more sleep, has been in and out of treatments, interventions, therapy, and generally left me wondering when or if they would come through this current struggle. I realized today that like so many other things, you cannot see a corner turned in the moment that it turns. It is only in a post-analysis that you see patterns and trends and realize something has changed for the better and sustained that change long enough that you can identify it as improved.

The last several days, I have realized that my struggling child is starting to thrive better. Two of my children with significant issues I know will have to pay attention and seek health and self care for the rest of their lives. My mother's heart longs for some miracle that they might way up one day and not face these challenges, but intellectually I know that will not happen. I know my job as their mother is to provide care for their mental health now, but also to teach them how to advocate and care for their own needs so that as they become adults they will be able to take over those needs themselves.

I'm also realistic that not everyone with these struggles does succeed. II and I have plans in place that if ever either of these children cannot live independently, we know how to renovate this house so that we can create a studio apartment with a separate entrance for them to live and function as independently as possible while still under our protecting and guidance. We hope to never have it come to that for either child, but I am keenly aware of the percentage of homeless Americans who suffer mental health issues, as well as the fact that simply putting them in a bedroom in our home would infantalize them and stress us to levels we probably cannot comprehend. It is my genuine hope that if either of them does need to come as adults, then it will merely be a temporary measure, a safety net so that neither of them ever have to face homelessness. Thus why we want to renovate so that they have their own living space and retain some independence if they need us for that safety net.

With the spiral and struggles of this particular child this year, I had nearly given up hope to bring them back from the stress that this last move did to their psyche in pushing them over the edge. In July, we were discussing out of home placements for intensive therapy options for them. This week, I was able to tell their therapist that they had a good week and there was nothing concerning to report for the week. They may still need more intensive services. They might even need some time out of the home for intensive therapy. We haven't stopped all of the wheels that have been turning this year to provide as much support and options to help this child simply because of a good week.

Yet, I'm looking back over the last two months and I'm realizing that its been a slow upward trend since July. There are no overnight miracles here. Yet, there is interactions and behaviors in the home that are better, less out of control, less disrupting to the rest of the family. There are grades that are passing and even some that are returning to excelling levels. There are peer relationships that are normalizing instead of being chaotic. There is a child who when they had a complaint about treatment, rather than resisting and fighting they verbalized their complaints and we and their team responded by immediately making changes to respect and respond to those complaints.

There is no direct path through mental illness, especially in this nation. I certainly never imagined when I started down this road that somehow mental health issues in older children was going to become my forte. I never, ever imagined that every appointment with the children's Psychiatrist would begin to feel like a job interview as he tracks my personal progress through NP school as if he is contemplating adding a mental health NP when I become available to practice. I never imagined I would walk into a Psychiatrist's office and report this symptoms is becoming an issue, I think we need this specific medication. I don't want to try these other three options because I am concerned about these side effects impacting this specific child, so do you have a better idea or should we could with my assessment. I imagined even less that such a Psychiatrist would affirm my assessment and we would tweak and adjust treatments based upon my eyes and ears in the field with these children. I knew exactly what the Psychiatrist was doing when he trained me to be those eyes and ears for Micah. I just never imagined I would be facing using those skills in perpetuity for other children with other struggles.

Despite all of that, we are here. My children have hurts and struggles that I cannot ever fully wrap my brain around. They need me to be strong and assertive to support them in their struggles. They need me to remember when they are at their low points that it is temporary and they will move beyond them. They need me to remember when they are at their high points that falling into struggles again will not be the end of the world, that this is not a sprint we walk but a long, twisted journey and I am here to hold their hand every step of that journey.

Today, the mental illnesses are not what is winning in our house. Today, a child who has struggled the hardest in our move back south is better. Said child is not perfect, not miraculously healed, but better and trying to fight back to stability. This is all we can hope and ask for, and we celebrate in these small steps. When I realized a few days ago that the trend is going up, I told II I needed to remember that today this child is OKAY because tomorrow they might not be, but that won't take away from the fact that today they are.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Growing roots

When II lost his job last year, we knew we were going to have to move again. I was thrilled at the idea of getting out of New England, but I knew it would devastate the children. This was precisely why we had decided to remain in New England and raise our children there previously. The job situation meant we had to go where a job became available and that was most likely going to be out of New England. The only thing I could promise the children was that I was throwing away the boxes and I promised I would not move them again.

Three weeks ago, I looked up from working on schoolwork and noticed there were six children running through my house and yard that were not part of my household. In addition to L's best friend who lives over our back fence, most of the children have at least one friend who lives in this neighborhood. Some of the kids have multiple friends around us. Baby J's classmate, the little girl he has a crush on, lives on the other side of the back fence next to L's best friend. This weekend, some child I had never seen before not only hung out with Ch but stayed the night.

There are children running around my house constantly. There are friends and coaches that often offer to help the high schoolers get rides to where they need to go. II is happy at work. I have both a volunteer position that I love, and a paying gig that helps with the heavy expenses that these children incur.

In short, this family is growing roots in this community. This is a good thing, since I am still serious that I have no intention of moving again. Yet, I see it everyday. I see it in the lines of children that go running through my house, often leaving me asking, "Who the heck is that?" I see it in the schools that love my children. I see it in the co-workers and bosses that affirm that II is great at his job, and that I am cherished in my work environments. I see it in the warmth we feel here in this community, and the settling and thriving that most of this family is experiencing now.

This is what I hoped for. This is what I truly wanted to see happen. I just wasn't sure that the children could overcome the trauma of this forced move to thrive again. When we got here, they were so hurt, so devastated, so struggling. Today, all but one member of this family is thriving and growing and making this place a home.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

It wasn't me

For the year I worked at the infusion center, I was constantly belittled, put down, told I was incompetent and occasionally yelled at by my boss. Given how long I had worked non-traditionally in nursing, I truly questioned if it was me. I even struggled with starting with IVs, something I am typically one of the best at accomplishing. There was one day that I struggled to start an IV on Ch and II understood just how badly I was struggling with the job. It was so horrible, if we had not moved I would have sought employment elsewhere just as soon as I had finished my Bachelor's degree and could do so seamlessly.

I got back to the south, to an area known for a strong good ole boy network, and spent months not finding a paying job. I knew what the problem was, but I couldn't accomplish anything to change that. My resume and my entire background read like an outsider. For most jobs I applied to, I didn't even make it past the first screening. For the few I did, the position was given to someone else.

Then, the local university was hiring for PRN positions in the student health clinic. The same university that runs the low income clinic where I volunteer and have for nine months now. Even so, I didn't hear anything back when I applied for that job either. When my NP asked me what happened to that job, that's exactly what I told her. I heard back from that job that week.

It took over a month for that job to interview, hire and start working. However, I just did my orientation this last week. They hired five PRN RNs for the clinic and are staffing two full time positions now, with the intention of staffing one full-time position and hiring one outright in the next month or so. It turns out, every single other RN they hired has personal ties to someone at the clinic. One is the best friend of one of the NPs. One is the former office nurse for the medical director at her private practice. One works with the husband of one of the NPs. One chats with the main nurse via text all day, so clearly has an established friendship. Then, there is me.

What is different this time is that no one is belittling me. No one is gossiping behind my back. I forgot to do something during my training and one of the NPs told the main nurse, who came and directly pointed out that I had forgotten to sign off like I was supposed to. Assured me she had reminded the NP that I was still straining and it was not a problem, just a reminder. The medical director worked one day and wanted to know an answer to a question. I confidently informed her that I was in my first week of training so while I did not know the answer to her question off the top of my head, I knew exactly where to find the answer. If she would give me a minute, I would look the answer up for her. I'm scheduled to work every week this month at the clinic. People ask me about myself. They communicate with me. They are friendly and assume I am competent instead of treating me as if I am incompetent. I am not even the only nurse there who took at break from traditional, wage earning nursing work at some point in time. No one acts as if my years of non-traditional work as a foster and adoptive mother was me *not* working. Rather, they express confidence that I am an experienced nurse.

I went through a lot of processing this year when I took my senior nursing management course for my degree. There were days I was raw and in tears to be required to learn academically how a nursing manager is *supposed* to behave and to compare that to how mine actually did behave. I realized in that class that my nursing manager in the infusion position meets the definition of an abusive boss. Last week, I realized it was never me. There was never anything wrong with my nursing, but with a pack of nurses so burned out that they should retire, and a manager so incompetent she should have never been promoted to management.

This summer, I've provided processing and emotional support for the assistant that worked in that infusion center. When I left, the manager and her hyenas turned their daggers at the assistant, who was an easy target for them. She started dating the manager's step-son mere months after she was hired for that position, and the manager continued to operate with that nepotism in place, threating this girl with her professional and personal relationships anytime the girl objected to the treatment she received. I have long encouraged my friend that she needed to seek employment somewhere other than under the authority of her boyfriend's stepmother. I have encouraged her that not all of nursing is like that microsystem in that infusion center. She went back to school with a dream of becoming a nurse herself, in spite of how those women treated her, and she told me it was because I had inspired her.

Yesterday, my friend gave notice. I was able to tell her how much different it is working under a better system, with different management and nurses who are not tolerated in the behaviors that occur in that infusion center. What happened there was not a statement on what kind of a nurse I am. In fact, it was my ability to impact the lives of my patients that kept me going when my manager was at her most abusive. In the nine months since I left, my non-paying nursing job has adored me. This last week, I knew for certain that it was never me. I no longer had to tell myself that. I saw it first hand.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Welcome to the south

The football team in town recruited my sons as players. My oldest got an unexpected reprieve when it was discovered the first of August that he didn't technically have eligibility. However, my second son is now a running back. I think that's what the position is called. I was so not athletic when I became a mother, and when A came home and was into soccer, I learned how to be a soccer mom. I have not learned how to be a football mom at all.

,p> Yet, Friday is the "BIG" game for the high school, as they are facing their cross town rivals. That means suddenly I have not only a HS team flag up in my yard, but apparently a sign with my son's jersey number and name. I would refuse, but it's my kid, and I absolutely have to support MY kid.

Much as I hate football, what I love more is that S is the child who was treated like a second class citizen until he came here. He played soccer but he felt he was lost in A's shadow there. As a football player, it doesn't really matter that he's not that good at the game. It doesn't matter that he's second string and hardly ever sees field time. He is part of the football team. Co-workers ask me for his jersey number so they can be sure to cheer for him at games...co-workers who don't have children who attend the high school but attend the football games because it's a community cohesion thing.

It's the south....and it's football. And for the first time in his life, my son is SOMEBODY. It is amazing to see my kid smile and feel special and important and.....NORMAL.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Good bye life

Five years ago, I re-entered the world to fight tooth and nail to be a full human again. I earned my Bachelor's of Arts in sociology. I buried a son. I earned my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing, which by the way I graduated Summa Cum Laude this time. Then I traveled to my graduate school orientation last week. Of one thing I am certain, I am about to give up my life for the last leg of this long journey I have walked.

I am only permitted to take six hours for the first term of NP school. It is a requirement by the University to ensure that all full-time students get enough of a taste without drowning that they can make up their mind whether to continue full-time or drop back to part-time. Since I am intending to not work to any level to interview with graduate studies, it will not impact my decisions whatsoever. However, for students who think they are going to continue working full-time and attend class full-time, this is certain struggle. The University wants them to make an informed decision, not merely drown and fail by getting in over their heads.

They said something at orientation this last week that was strong and compelling. Over and over again, the faculty, the President, the Dean of Students all said, "You would not be here if we did not know you can do this."

That is the truth I am going to hold onto for the next three years as I embark upon this dream. I love this program. The academics are rigorous. The didactic work I will do over the next 15-ish months will stretch me to the brink of sanity. I want to soak up and devour the knowledge that is being placed in front of me now. Then, when I have fully accomplished that, I will go back and prove I have the skills to actually BE a NP. I will spend a week going over my skills and will have to be approved to start my clinicals. I will then come back to do another six to nine months of nothing but full-time clinical work. I will earn my MSN and then immediately flow into my DNP. That will require more didactic and more clinical hours in that final year.

So many things to learn, so much challenge in front of me. In several terms, the estimated hours I will need to just study is 49-50 hours per week. On top of that, I still have to maintain my work at the low income clinic. I still have to be a mother. And, I am still homeschooling one child.

Part of me thinks when I finish this I still want a PhD in Nursing. Part of me simply wants to survive these next three years. I know two things right now. First, what life I have held onto is about to be gone. Second, I have to focus on simply getting through the next three years.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Orientation #1 completed

I can successfully and properly identify types of plagiarism now. That was the culmination of the online orientation I had to complete before going to the in-person orientation for NP school next week. If a new student has never taken an online class before, the information would be highly useful. It would be even more useful if they computer illiterate. Since I am neither of those, it reached a point where II kept looking over and saying, "I'm sorry, that just looks painful." Gee thanks, darling.

I have one assignment to complete in my last class of my last undergraduate coursework. It's due Saturday. It's an academic paper on healthcare and spirituality. I'm writing on the HIV/AIDS trends in the African American population and the role the AA church plays in this trend. After II complained that I bogged down my computer with too many journal articles, he helped me get the new laptop functioning properly so I could print them. One day this week, I will lock myself in my bedroom, spread out all of my sources and start composing. This is the part I am good at. I write well, and I enjoy what I do. It isn't a stressful assignment in the least. I just need to get through volunteer work tomorrow before I can hunker down and accomplish it.

When we knew we were moving at the end of last year, I thought I would hold off on graduate school for another year. I then realized this spring that I am tired of the lack of challenge I feel with undergraduate work. I thrive in an academic setting, and I desperately wanted to start doing academic that challenge me instead of bore me. The decision to apply for grad school was made at the very end of the time left to meet the deadlines, but I pushed through and did it anyway.

Five years ago, I caught II in his cheating. My world fell apart on me five years ago in that discovery. I had an associates in nursing, my RN license was inactive, and I had a half finished BA in sociology. I was deeply entrenched in homeschooling at all costs, even though I recognized that I was dying inside and the kids were almost as miserable as I was. I thought I was happy, but I was also stuck. I had a lot of fear that immobilized me and left me powerless in my life and my world.

I don't even recognize that woman I was five years ago. I have earned two bachelors' degrees. I have rediscovered my passion for learning and teaching. I have ushered a large family of children out of the fear and isolation they too were stuck in, and brought them into a world where all but one are thriving. I have buried a son, and become a working mother. I have also gotten accepted into multiple graduate programs and by the exact five year anniversary, I will start coursework for my NP training.

I am amazed at how far I have come in five years, and how far I still have to go to finish what I started.